The eye of the Bedlam Bride

Dedication.
As always, this book couldn’t exist without all the fans out there giving me support and kudos and love and weird, 3 A.M. messages that may or may not be threats. I love you all. That said, love equals respect. You don’t send butthole pics to people you respect. Please stop sending them. Especially you, Dwight. Holy shit. You need to see a goddamned doctor. Rebecca, on the other hand, …we good.
-Matt Dinniman
Hi, everyone!
Thank you so much for signing up for the Princess Posse fanclub newsletter! This is the only OFFICIAL fanclub. I heard rumors of another group called the Donut Holes, and while I appreciate their enthusiasm, this is the ONLY place to get THIS newsletter. I absolutely DO NOT approve of the name Donut Holes.
Anyway!
My name is GC, BWR, NW Princess Donut the Queen Anne Chonk, and I am here to give you a quick recap of what happened on the last few floors. I know we should have been doing this the whole time, and perhaps I will talk Carl into going back and helping me write proper recaps of what happened in the past, but you’re here now, and we’re about to start the eighth floor. Here’s what happened on the sixth and seventh.
The sixth floor started with Carl temporarily giving up the Gate of the Feral Gods to Orren the Liaison because he was afraid Carl would get all Carl-y and use it to ruin the floor. I didn’t see this happen, but I imagine Carl was all grumpy about it. It ended up being a good thing because we got Sledgie and three other cretin rock bodyguards to escort us for the next three floors in exchange! Isn’t that great?
I got the most exquisite temporary class. I was a Legendary Diva! I could cast spells when I sing!
(I hear my album will soon be available on tunneling platforms, so be sure to upgrade to Ultimate Supreme Fan Tier Three or above to get a free ten-second preview of each song before they’re released!)
This was the floor where the stupid hunters were trying to kill us. That didn’t work out too well for them, now did it? There was this one bug lady, and her name was Vrah. We killed her annoying little sister right in the beginning, and that made Vrah really mad. When Carl went to that lame CrawlCon later on, he met Vrah’s mom and made her really mad, too. So mad she flew all the way to Earth just to participate as a god named Diwata.
Katia left the party so she could hunt down Eva, her player killer ex-best friend, and that was really sad because I liked being in a party with Katia. She managed to get Eva in the end, though, and I really hope she’ll come back to the party. I love Carl, of course, but it would be nice to have her back. I miss having her with us. I suppose now that she’s in love with Daniel Bautista he’d have to come with her. That would be okay, too, even if he looks like a generic brand Tony the Tiger.
We learned at the end of the floor there would be a party with a talent contest and pet show for the hunters and the top 50 crawlers. It would be at the high elf castle, led by the mean Queen Imogen. The party was called the Butcher’s Masquerade.
My Mongo met a few fellow dinosaurs, including a female mongoliensis named Kiwi. Honestly, I don’t want to talk about how that started because it was highly traumatic for my brave, sweet boy, whose innocence was savagely ripped away from him. He’s still healing.
Also, way back on the third floor, we met a bra-deficient Elite named Signet covered in gross tattoos. You may have seen her show, as Carl and I were both guest stars. It was called Vengeance of the Daughter. Carl was contractually bound to continue with that story, which was to help her reclaim her crown and defeat queen Imogen of the high elves, who helped kill Signet’s mother a long time ago.
My friend Prepotente and his former person Miriam Dom got in a bit of trouble, and, unfortunately, Miriam Dom passed away. But Prepotente was a very brave goat about it. Miriam used to have another goat, too, one named Bianca who is quite friendly when you get to know her. She’s a demon goat dragon thing, and she and Prepotente are off on their own now.
I got into a little tussle with a crawler named Lucia Mar, and I killed one of her disgusting dogs, who absolutely deserved it.