dungeon crawler carl #4

the gate of the feral gods
New Achievement! Total, Utter Failure.
You failed a quest less than five minutes after you received it. Now that’s talent.
Surviving in a multilevel dungeon that also happens to be the set of the galaxy’s most watched game show has taught Coast Guard vet Carl and his ex-girlfriend’s cat, Princess Donut, that there’s only one thing they can count on apart from each other: they never know what’s coming next. And this floor is no exception.
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A floating fortress occupied by warrior gnomes. A castle made of sand. A derelict submarine guarded by malfunctioning machines. A haunted crypt surrounded by lethal traps.
It was supposed to be easy. One bubble. Four castles. Fifteen days. Capture each one, and the stairwell is unlocked. Here’s the thing. It’s never easy. Going it alone is not an option this time, so Carl and his team must rely on the help of the low-level, I-can’t-believe-these-idiots-are-still-alive crawlers trapped in the bubble with them. But can they be trusted?
Welcome, Crawlers. Welcome to the fifth floor of the dungeon.
Published july 1, 2021
RePublished Mar 11, 2025
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Let the beautiful dulcet tones of Jeff Hays serenade you with a tale of love, horror, revolution, and yogurt.
Audio Transcript
Chapter 1.
Phase one of four. The gnomes.
Time to Level Collapse: 15 Days.
Views: 1.43 Quintillion
Followers: 7 Quadrillion
Favorites: 2.4 Quadrillion
Leaderboard rank: 3
Bounty: 800,000 gold
Welcome, Crawler, to the fifth floor. “The Bubbles.”
Sponsorship bidding initiated on Crawler #4,122. Bidding ends in 45 hours.
Remaining Crawlers: 178,887
Entering Bubble #543 out of 1172. Air Quadrant.
New Achievement! The Quarry Sees Another Spring.
You managed to enter a stairwell while listed in the current top 10. You’re a survivor. A scrapper. And just as the buck’s antlers grow another point as they mature, you too, have grown as both a crawler and as a prize.
Reward: You have received a Gold Venison Box! Don’t get too excited. It’s just money. In addition, all bounties against you now and in the future will have a (x2) modifier attached.
Hey, at least the prize for surviving the floor goes up, too.
“What the shit?” I said, seeing the notification. Nobody had warned me our bounties would double. Mordecai hadn’t mentioned it, nor had I seen it listed in the cookbook. I wondered if that was a new thing. Those fuckers.
I coughed, regretting I’d said anything out loud. I spit the sand from my mouth.
Tens of thousands of crawlers hadn’t made it past the last few hours of the fourth floor. I felt my fist clench and unclench as we trudged forward, leaning into the wind.
Donut mewled with irritation from my shoulder. Hot wind blasted against us, and every time I breathed, my mouth and nose started to fill with sand. We needed masks. We could only talk using chat.
We’d stepped from the warehouse onto the fifth floor just a few minutes after the fourth level collapsed. I felt the standard rumble in the ground while we were still in the warehouse, but it was much more distant than usual.
Donut: I NEED TO PICK A NEW CLASS! I REALLY WISH THEY GAVE ME MORE TIME. THE CHOICES ARE ALL DIFFERENT.
Carl: Mordecai. Help Donut choose. We’re in an air zone.
Mordecai: There you are. By the gods, did Odette make you clean her house first before she let you go? I’m already here and have been gathering intel. Come to the town that’s hunched up against the northwest curve. The walls block the sand storms. Locals say the storms only last an hour or two each day. Apparently there’s only two towns in the area. Donut, read me your choices.
Donut quickly read off some of the class choices. None of them had a flying ability. Many sounded more interesting and exotic than usual, like Nine Tails and Demigod Attendant, though there were a few in there that had to be a joke. Like Vape Shop Counter Jockey. Mordecai asked rapid-fire questions. He zoomed in on two choices.
Mordecai: The class choices keep getting better. We still need to keep your Constitution up. You just lost ten points from losing your Football Hooligan. There’s one that’ll replace it and more. Glass Cannon normally forbids you from adding to your constitution upon level-up, but it comes with a plus fifteen constitution base, and it’ll also greatly increase your training speed on all spells. It does not increase your intelligence, but it lowers the cost of all spells, which is almost the same thing. Your Magic Missile will be much stronger, and it’s already pretty strong. You can’t train constitution anyway, so it’s a good choice, especially if we grind on your magic. But if you don’t actually obtain some of those benefits, it could be a waste of a class.
Donut’s Character Actor benefit went up in power each time she descended a floor, but it still came with a risk. She didn’t always obtain all of the chosen class’s benefits, and once she picked, it was set for the floor.
Glowing Reviews
If you want nonsensical, yah got it here. If food, it’d be gas station food.
william
Goodreads reviewer
I went on to the 4th book hoping it got better and not once did I laugh or enjoy reading any of this word salad.
eric r
Audible reviewer
if you bring B and her F! toy back I am going to write you hate mail. this adds nothing to the story.
MAtthew
Audible reviewer
This series started strong. I can’t even finish this book, I just can’t stay interested. I wished they stayed on the storyline of Carl starting a revolution.
Mike P
Audible reviewer
Seriously this book is just the author mooning his fans and calling them weebs, losers, good for nothing basement dwellers
Panda
Goodreads reviewer
The only charm this series so far had is the “coziness” to me. It felt like a video game and I can just mindlessly read it and enjoy the world. But I think the series is heading in a direction that will soon strip away that coziness for me entirely.
Inkk
Goodreads reviewer










