This inevitable ruin

Dedication:
Oh, you guys.
I’ve said this a bajillion times now. These books can’t exist without you. Patreon. Reddit. You guys in prison. That lady at the coffee shop who hates the anti Cocker Spaniel sticker on the back of my laptop. All of you are the best. Well, almost all of you. Dwight… in the immortal words of Princess Donut near the end of this book. “It’s okay to be a work in progress.”
-Matt Dinniman
Epigraph:
“No dumb bastard ever won a war by going out and dying for his country. He won it by making some other dumb bastard die for his country.”
-General George S. Patton
Tempest’s Floor 8 Recap School Report
“I gotta tell you, honey,” Quasar said. “You really need an exfoliating treatment. Maybe put some lotion on those hands.”
“Look, asshole,” Tempest said, looking up. “I don’t criticize how you do your lawyering. I don’t criticize those stupid ties you insist on wearing. You don’t need to criticize how I fix your plumbing, especially when we both know I have no idea what I’m doing.”
“Tits, kid, I’m not criticizing your work. I’m just pointing out how rough your skin looks.”
“What the fuck does my skin have to do with anything? Are you some sort of pervert? And we agreed to a trade, so get talking.”
“First off”, you’re my niece, and I’m looking after your health. Secondly, I absolutely won’t answer that second question because of my answer to the first question. But, yes. Though your dad is worse. Ask him about the petting zoo incident. And what do you need this for again?”
The young Nullian rolled her eyes. “I told you, Quasar. I have a report due on perceptions of the crawl, and I’m interviewing people, having them give me recaps, and I was assigned Carl and Donut. Obviously my teacher assigned me them because I’m related to you, and if I don’t interview you about it, I will fail.
Most everyone else I’m interviewing is just giving me their answers for free. I don’t see why you have to be such a dick about it.”
“Most people love the sound of their own biscuit holes slapping. I am very busy, and my time is valuable. You want information, you should learn to trade for it. It’s good for you.”
“But why have me fix your sink? Why do you even have this thing? I don’t know shit about this old plumbing stuff. Can’t you do it yourself?”
“I could, but I’m teaching you a valuable life lesson. Never give shit up for free because if you do, they’ll just keep coming back to you and will expect more and more.”
“The only lesson I’ve learned today is that my uncle is a colossal prick!” Tempest said. “Now start talking.”
“Okay,” Quasar said. “Carl fucked shit up. He fucked up a little in the end and now has a spider stuck in his chest. The end.”
“I swear to the gods old and new, if you don’t give me what I want I am going to tell my father that you said you’re my real dad!”
“Now we’re talking, kid,” Quasar said. “Keep saying shit like that, and you’ll get far.” He pulled his vape out and took a pull while she clicked the recorder on her wrist. The recording unit beeped.
“Okay, so. The eighth floor. Supposed to be a bullshit filler floor so the pricks running all this can drag it out as much as possible and collect as much tug money as they can. You get me so far? The whole thing of the floor was they had to collect monster cards to fight with. A bold choice, honestly. Some people hate that nerd shit, especially when there’s lots of rules, but I say, whatever. Did you see the tiddies on that Medusa card that one guy had? Too bad he saw ‘em too.
“Anyway, Donut and Carl got stuck in a place called Cuba, and they collected several cards. In the end, they ended up with a seal thing; a crab named Raul; a giant, terrifying cat; this donkey snake thing; a guy named Uzi Jesus and another guy named Asojano, who both got combined to another guy named Lazarus. Oh, and he had a card named Alpha Carl that was really just Carl but with way better hair and a much cooler voice. In the end, they had to use these cards to fight other card-wielding monsters. These fights were like a Saccathian orgy. They all started off all organized with people following the ground rules, but the moment something weird happened, there was a lot of crying, a lot of bleeding, and a whole lot of screaming confusion.”
“You know I have to put all this in a school report, right? And what about the spider? You forgot to mention her.”
“Your teacher is Miss Guss, ain’t it? Yeah, I won’t be saying anything ol’ Anal Beads hasn’t heard, believe me. Nowadays she can probably turn a carrot flaccid, but back in the day when she was my and your dad’s teacher… Wow.”